Signs of an Abuser

I and a few ladies were having a discussion recently and the subject of abuse came up.  One of the ladies had, at one time, been in an abusive relationship and shared her story.  I remembered that I have in my files a list of the signs of an abuser and I thought I would share it with as many as find this page.  It may save someone from entering into a long-term relationship with an abuser.

Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality

Many women are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their girlfriends or wives; the last four signs listed are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer. If the person has several of the other behaviors (three or more), there is a strong potential for physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially, the batterer will try to explain his behavior as signs of his love and concern. A woman may be flattered at first, but as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serves to dominate the woman.

1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that his jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love…it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question the woman about who she talks to; accuse her of flirting or be jealous of the time she spends with family, friends or children. As the jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even engage in strange behaviors such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

2. Controlling Behavior: At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he is concerned for the woman’s safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is late coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question her closely about where she went and who she talked to. As the behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing or going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or the room.

3. Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on like a whirlwind claiming “love at first sight” and he will tell the woman flattering things such as “you are the only person I could ever talk to”, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” He needs someone desperately, and will pressure the woman to commit to him.

4. Unrealistic Expectations: He is very dependent on the woman for all of his needs; he expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. He will say things like “if you love me, I’m all you need/you are all I need”. She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in the home.

5. Isolation: The man tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has man friends, she is a “whore”; if she has women friends, she is a “lesbian”; if she is close to family, she is “tied to the apron strings”. He accuses people who are her supports of “causing trouble”; he may want to live in the country without a telephone; he may not let her use the car; or he may try to keep her from working or going to school.

6. Blames Others for His Problems: If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong, or out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating or doing his job. He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. Blames Others for His Feelings: He will tell the woman “you make me mad”, “you are hurting me by not doing what I ask”, “I can’t help being angry”. He really makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are his claims that “you make me happy”, “you control how I feel”.

8. Hypersensitivity: The man is easily insulted, he claims his feelings are “hurt” when he really is very moody or he takes the slightest set backs as personal attacks. He will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened to him…things that are really just part of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help with chores.

9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: This is a man who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for diaper wetting) or he may tease children or younger brothers and sisters until they cry. Sixty percent of men who beat a woman, will also beat their children. He may not want children to eat at the table or expect them to stay in their room all evening while he is home.

10. Playful Use of Force in Sex: This man may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex, he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. He likes letting her know that the idea of “rape” excites him. He may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen by the man degrading the woman, cursing at her, running down any of her accomplishments. The man will tell her that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking her up to verbal abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.

12. Rigid Sex Roles: The man expects a woman to serve him; he will say she must stay at home, that she must obey him in all things; even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in mood. They will describe that one minute he is nice and the next minute he explodes; or one minute he is happy and the next he is sad. This does not indicate some special “mental problem” or that he is “crazy”. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners, and the behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

14. Past Battering: The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that the man is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. Threats of Violence: This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman: “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”, “I’ll break your neck”. Most men do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying “everybody talks like that”.

16. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but it is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior; only very immature people beat on objects in the presence of others in order to threaten them.

17. Any Force During an Argument: This may involve a man holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The man may hold the woman against a wall and say “you are going to listen to me”.