I and a few ladies were having a discussion recently and the subject of abuse came up. One of the ladies had, at one time, been in an abusive relationship and shared her story. I remembered that I have in my files a list of the signs of an abuser and I thought I would share it with as many as find this page. It may save someone from entering into a long-term relationship with an abuser.
Signs to
Look for in a Battering Personality
Many
women are interested in ways that they can predict whether they are
about to become involved with someone who will be physically abusive.
Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their
girlfriends or wives; the last four signs listed are almost always
seen only if the person is a batterer. If the person has several of
the other behaviors (three or more), there is a strong potential for
physical violence. The more signs the person has, the more likely
the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a
couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very
exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things).
Initially, the batterer will try to explain his behavior as signs of
his love and concern. A woman may be flattered at first, but as
time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serves to dominate
the woman.
1.
Jealousy:
At the
beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that his
jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love…it
is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. He will question the
woman about who she talks to; accuse her of flirting or be jealous of
the time she spends with family, friends or children. As the
jealousy progresses, he may call her frequently during the day or
drop by unexpectedly. He may refuse to let her work for fear she
will meet someone else, or even engage in strange behaviors such as checking
her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.
2.
Controlling Behavior:
At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because he is
concerned for the woman’s safety, her need to use her time well, or
her need to make good decisions. He will be angry if the woman is
late coming back from the store or an appointment, he will question
her closely about where she went and who she talked to. As the
behavior gets worse, he may not let the woman make personal decisions
about the house, her clothing or going to church; he may keep all the
money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or the room.
3.
Quick Involvement:
Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six
months before they were engaged or living together. He comes on like
a whirlwind claiming “love at first sight” and he will tell the
woman flattering things such as “you are the only person I could
ever talk to”, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.”
He needs someone desperately, and will pressure the woman to commit
to him.
4.
Unrealistic Expectations: He
is very dependent on the woman for all of his needs; he expects her
to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. He will say things
like “if you love me, I’m all you need/you are all I need”.
She is supposed to take care of everything for him emotionally and in
the home.
5.
Isolation:
The man tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has
man friends, she is a “whore”; if she has women friends, she is a
“lesbian”; if she is close to family, she is “tied to the
apron strings”. He accuses people who are her supports of “causing
trouble”; he may want to live in the country without a telephone;
he may not let her use the car; or he may try to keep her from
working or going to school.
6.
Blames Others for His Problems:
If he is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him wrong,
or out to get him. He may make mistakes and then blame the woman for
upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating or doing his job.
He will tell the woman she is at fault for almost anything that goes
wrong.
7.
Blames Others for His Feelings: He
will tell the woman “you make me mad”, “you are hurting me by
not doing what I ask”, “I can’t help being angry”. He really
makes the decision about what he thinks and feels, but will use
feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to catch are his claims
that “you make me happy”, “you control how I feel”.
8.
Hypersensitivity:
The man is easily insulted, he claims his feelings are “hurt”
when he really is very moody or he takes the slightest set backs as
personal attacks. He will “rant and rave” about the injustice of
things that have happened to him…things that are really just part
of living, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic
ticket, being asked to help with chores.
9.
Cruelty to Animals or Children:
This is a man who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to
their pain or suffering. He may expect children to be capable of
doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for
diaper wetting) or he may tease children or younger brothers
and sisters until they cry. Sixty percent of men who beat a woman,
will also beat their children. He may not want children to eat at
the table or expect them to stay in their room all evening while he
is home.
10.
Playful Use of Force in Sex:
This man may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during
sex, he may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is
helpless. He likes letting her know that the idea of “rape”
excites him. He may show little concern about whether the woman
wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to manipulate her into
compliance. He may start having sex with the woman while she is
sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
11.
Verbal Abuse: In
addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful,
this can be seen by the man degrading the woman, cursing at her,
running down any of her accomplishments. The man will tell her that
she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve
waking her up to verbal abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.
12.
Rigid Sex Roles:
The man expects a woman to serve him; he will say she must stay at
home, that she must obey him in all things; even things that are
criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior to men,
more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde:
Many women are confused by their abuser’s “sudden” changes in
mood. They will describe that one minute he is nice and the next
minute he explodes; or one minute he is happy and the next he is sad.
This does not indicate some special “mental problem” or that he
is “crazy”. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who
beat their partners, and the behaviors are related to other
characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
14.
Past Battering:
The man may say he has hit women in the past, but they made him do
it. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses that the man is
abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with; situational
circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.
15.
Threats of Violence:
This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the
woman: “I’ll slap your mouth off”, “I’ll kill you”,
“I’ll break your neck”. Most men do not threaten their mates,
but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying “everybody
talks like that”.
16.
Breaking or Striking Objects:
This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions),
but it is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The
man may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near
the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior; only very
immature people beat on objects in the presence of others in order to
threaten them.
17.
Any Force During an Argument: This
may involve a man holding a woman down, physically restraining her
from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The man may hold the
woman against a wall and say “you are going to listen to me”.
